- Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.
- Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
- Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
- Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
- Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
- Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
- On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
- July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? I think not.
- Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he DROPs frequently.
- The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
- According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
- Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
- Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
- A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
- Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
- Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 wpm.
- Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
- Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"